Ted the Web-Guru arose out of the Frozen Himalayas in 1929 during the first year of the Great Depression. Ever since the age of 2 months, he has had the ability to create, design, and amaze with his website updating skills. It was said in ancient folklore that angels cry tears of joy whenever he updates a page. Unfortunately, since he was raised by a herd of Flying Bison, he could not communicate with any human and only had a website to express himself. Since technology was primitive back then, he would carve and sculpt websites into the walls of caves using nothing but a piece of limestone and a slice of lemon. The Flying Bison would use these Cave-sites as a method of communicating with each other and post Bison Memes on the front page for years.
By the time WW2 had come around, Ted found himself as the second hand man for Franklin Roosevelt and released the first newspaper that would be sent around the world boasting the future of US website updates. There was a worldwide uproar claiming Ted as an imposter and senile for claiming that he was raised by Flying Bison; not to mention no one has heard of a website during that time… This eventually led to Ted’s name being buried and erased from world history books for decades. Ted was determined though, and he promised his Flying Bison brethren that he would prove to the world that he was the very best like no one ever was.
Wanting to wait for the perfect timing, he meditated on top of the Himalayas for years and eventually became frozen in a cryogenic state until 2020, when global warming had come to un-freeze him. Once he had woken, he saw the world had burned and perished while he was gone and the Flying Bison had become extinct. His heart was shattered but he knew that he could save the world… With website updates. Although unfortunate, his timing was indeed perfect. It seemed that the world had caught up to Ted and created the internet, webpages, and even more Bison memes. He decided that it was time for him to move from his home and go on to a new adventure to heal the world and he teleported where his heart felt right and visualized where the world needed him the most. He closed his eyes and his body went through the fourth dimension, right into the seat of the ASCSU Front Desk.
Learning from his mistakes last time, he did not tell the people where he was really from and just made up that he was from Lafayette, Colorado and the people around him foolishly believed it. He went on to work for ASCSU, answering their cries for help: needing a link fix, a webpage revamp, or deleting an outdated page. Although being paid close to minimum wage, he knew his heart was in the right place and this website needed him more than a baby needs to learn manners. He still works tirelessly today on the ASCSU website with no end in sight, it is rumored that he doesn’t even sleep and absorbs the souls of website makers to keep him awake while he works. This, is the legend and continuing story of the Web-Guru, Ted Chasson.